Turns for the Worse

Desperate people can be driven to do desperate things. Every now & again I’m reminded of how true this can be.

Charlotte roads are known for being two things: confusing and constantly under construction. The same road may change names several times in the course of a few miles, and most likely will either be closed or littered with orange & white construction barrels blocking the lanes. I’ve lived in Charlotte for close to a decade, so I think I’ve got the names down - but the construction still gives me trouble.

The other day I was late for a meeting, and as I approached the building I was dismayed to see the road was closed due to construction. I followed the detour signs and found myself positioned down from where I needed to be on a one-way street. The only way I saw to get to the building was to take an illegal left turn and dash into the parking lot before oncoming traffic approached. Convinced there had to be another option, I searched again. Unfortunately I ended up in the same situation: confronted with taking an illegal left turn. I felt like I had exhausted every avenue, so finally in desperation I just took it.

I feel the same way about finding music online. I understood when record companies shut down Napster as a free music downloading site*—but still was angry. It makes sense to me that the industry does not want people stealing music that is available in the stores to purchase. It is not fair to the artist, the label, or the vendors. Unfortunately, I was using Napster to obtain music that was out of print. Much of what I was getting was from obscure 1980’s acts (Vanity, Apollonia 6, Donna Allen) that have been out of print for years. This is music I remember from my teenage years that holds very fond memories for me. If the record companies would make it available to buy, I would buy it. But it’s not available.

The other day I was looking for another of these obscure songs: “When Love Surges” by Jules Shear. No reason why you would know it. I searched Amazon, iTunes and even eBay for a digital version of this song- nowhere to be found. Completely frustrated, I Googled it. It showed up on one of those Napster offspring websites. There it was, dangling right in front of me like the apple that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden. I had tried to buy it legally, but it wasn’t available. All it would take was a push of the “Download Now” button. Convinced there had to be another option, I searched again. Unfortunately I ended up in the same situation: confronted with taking an illegal download. I felt like I had exhausted every avenue, so finally in desperation I just took it.


*Blender magazine, in their April 2008 issue talked about the history of music downloading. Before the 1980’s, consumers had the option of buying a hit single, or if they preferred, an entire album. Once cd’s came out in the 1980’s, the music industry got greedy. They figured if they discontinued singles, consumers would be forced to buy the albums (which cost more). It worked for a while, until technology in the 1990’s enabled consumers to share music as digital files. Consumers had found a way to circumvent a system built around greed and get the singles they wanted.

Rather than learn from their mistakes and try to reach a compromise that would work for everyone, the music industry shut down Napster and began suing people caught illegally downloading songs (including a single mother of two, with a yearly income of $36,000, for $222,000). It was a publicity nightmare, and by shutting down the ONE site where everyone was going (rather than try to work something out that would benefit everyone) they encouraged users to scatter and create innumerable copy-cat sites. Today there are scads of these sites available, and no conceivable way to stop or control them. When one is shut down, another surfaces to take its place. Napster was restructured as a pay-per-download site, but it was too late. Most Napster users had moved on to these other websites.

A Tale of Two Parties

Recently I was invited to attend two 40th birthday parties on the same night. Having celebrated a 40th birthday myself, I didn’t want to miss either event—so I double-booked. People need all the support they can get when they hit 40.

The first party was being hosted by a guy who had found much success in Charlotte. He lived in a gated community in a beautiful home. The party was being catered and he’d hired a DJ and a bartender to mix drinks. As we arrived at the house, my friend mentioned that we were NOT supposed to talk about anything “gay” once we got inside. Since this person was one of the most obviously gay men I could think of (and he had personally hit on me one night—confirming what I already knew), I assumed my friend was kidding. He assured me he was serious. This man was not openly gay.

We entered the party and were greeted by our host. He gave us a quick tour of his home, calling our attention to his walk-in closet with designer suits and hand-made scarves from Scotland (!), his master bedroom with the canopy bed (!!), and the dessert table loaded with pastries that he had made himself after finishing his Pastry Cooking Class (!!!). Each announcement was met with stifled praise and sidelong glances. It was like fireworks were going off and nobody would admit it was the Fourth of July.

The most uncomfortable moment came when someone suggested they have a Roast for the birthday boy. When volunteers were asked to step forward and tell stories, nobody would do it. Nobody seemed to know what was safe to tease him about. After an uncomfortable silence, the DJ mercifully started the music again and people just turned back to their conversations. My friend & I decided that was a good time to leave.

The second party was being hosted by a lesbian friend of ours and her partner. She was a poetess who had worked as a sign language interpreter to put her girlfriend through Culinary School. Now that her girlfriend was working, she was paying for the poetess to go back to school. Money was very tight, but what they lacked in financial support was more than compensated for with emotional support. There were no caterers, DJs or bartenders at the party. In honor of the poetess’ 40th birthday, there was a big washtub with 40 ounce beers on ice. Music was provided by a mix tape made by one of their friends. The place was packed, though, and everyone was laughing. Their tiny house was filled to capacity so the party had spilled out into the back yard. Young, old, gay, straight, black, white, latino, abled & disabled attendees were there to toast their friend. It was a perfect celebration.

I’m sure as you’re reading this, you are thinking that this is YET ANOTHER plea for people to come out of the closet and pursue their own happiness. That’s definitely part of it. The lesson I took away from this evening, though, expands upon that idea. The choices you make as an individual are going to affect the people around you. If people are truly your friends, they will want you to be happy. If you aren’t able to name that happiness and your desire to pursue it, then how can your friends support you? You have to pick up that baton and lead your friends in the parade. When you aren’t true to yourself, you not only screw up your own life—you ruin the party for everyone else.