Wiggin' Out at the Gym

Something terrible happened at the gym tonight. I ended up on a treadmill beside Smelly Sweaty Guy. This is the guy every gym seems to have who doesn’t feel the need to wear deodorant. I would have moved but there were no other available machines. So my choices were to abort my workout, or tough it out beside SSG. I decided to stay, but I was full of resentment. I may not shower before I go to the gym, but I certainly put on a fresh coat of antiperspirant so I don’t stink up the place. Getting motivated to exercise is tough enough without the negative reinforcement of having to inhale the fragrant fruits of someone else’s armpit glands.

While I was trying to ignore the fact that my nasal hairs were being singed off by the putrid fumes emanating from my neighbor on the treadmill, I reminded myself that human beings didn’t always have an agreeable smell. Deodorant has only been around since the 1880’s. It can’t have been pleasant to be around people before then. Obviously, somebody felt the same way because they invented deodorant. If only the guy beside me on the treadmill had gotten the news.

Happily, for the rest of us personal hygiene has made great strides in the last few hundred years. I remember when the movie “Marie Antoinette” came out, I did some reading about her. One of the things that shocked me the most was what I read about her hair. I always thought the huge beehive hairdos of that time were amazing, especially when you consider the French didn’t have Aqua Net in the 1700’s. Apparently, in the absence of hair spray, lard was used. It didn’t take long for these elegant hairdos to become rancid, and often they would attract vermin like bugs and mice while the women slept. Ladies of the time would carry a special device that looked something like a fondue fork with a bent tip to scratch their itchy heads and perhaps chase off whatever was burrowing around in there. I wonder if Kirsten Dunst would have wanted to play Marie Antoinette if she’d have had to wear one of these five-star roach motels on her head. Lucky for her, in these modern times, it wasn’t necessary.

Life is good now, and if a woman wants to have big, bug-free hair—the technology is in place for her to be able to do it. Unfortunately, if she goes to the gym—she still may have to work out beside Smelly Sweaty Guy.