Christmas Scare-ols

Yesterday was a delightful Christmas for me, but it was over before I was ready to bid adieu. Fueled by wine and coconut cake, I was ready for a night on the town. Unfortunately, the Queen City was not cooperating. Ideally, I would’ve liked to have gone to a Christmas drag show. I envisioned a sexy Ms. Claus whose drag name was Yuletide Carol or something equally festive, who would serenade me with a bevy of Eartha Kitt and Peggy Lee classics, while I sipped a mulled cider and flirted with Donner—a slightly younger reindeer sporting a provocative leather halter and huge antlers. Sadly, it was not to be.

Instead, I lit some candles and played some Christmas music on my iPod. Unfortunately I started analyzing the lyrics of the carols. I’ve always thought “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” was vaguely threatening. It starts out as festive well-wishes, but then the caroling turns malevolent. Wishes turn to demands as the carolers' craving for figgy pudding takes over. And they “won’t go until we get some”. What the f*ck??? Who even has figgy pudding around these days? Wherein lies the fault—the poor homeowner who hasn’t properly prepared for the holiday, or the unreasonable carolers who are hopelessly out of touch with the times? I blame the carolers. A good terrorist will choose his battles more carefully, and cite demands that can actually be met.

I also marveled at “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. What should be a heartbreaking tale of infidelity has become a children’s classic. Granted—the Santa Claus in the story is the child’s father in a costume, but the child doesn’t know that. He seems to be taking his mother’s indiscretions amazingly well. If my mom was an indiscriminate slattern with a granddaddy fetish I don’t think I’d be singing about it. “What a laugh it would’ve been, if daddy had only seen…” So much for divorce being hardest on the children. This kid is looking forward to the custody hearings—if he & Mom end up with Santa he gets free toys for the rest of his life.

I guess it’s best not to put too much thought into the holidays. As I said in the earlier posting, it’s more about the spirit of the season. I ate some great food, spent some time with people that mean a lot to me, and got some decent bling. And if I didn’t get to make out with a hot reindeer who was more hung than the Christmas stockings—I’ve still got New Year’s Eve…..