A Place at the Table

I’ve been working on a little sociology experiment lately and I’m happy to report that it is going very well. I got the idea from one of the projects on which I have been collaborating. The project is called Crossroads Charlotte and it deals with bringing people of different backgrounds, ethnicities and races together and building trust. As part of this project, I was privileged to be able to interview people of different races, ages, and sexual orientations. One of the questions asked was “What do you think are the best ways to get people from different backgrounds together?” A disproportionately high number of responses had to do with food. People like to eat, and if you create an environment in which they feel comfortable and entice them with the promise of a tasty meal, they will show up. In other words, if you cook it, they will come.

I bounced the idea off a couple of friends and work acquaintances, and everyone seemed to like the idea. Soon after, this little scheme had become a reality. We started with a group on the Crossroads Charlotte website, but once we created a Facebook page—things really progressed.

Our first group only had seven people, and we went to an Ethiopian restaurant. Admittedly the choice of such an exotic cuisine may be why the initial turnout was less than stellar. Happily, the people who did show up seemed to have a good time. Conversation was lively and everyone seemed to enjoy the experience.

For our next endeavor, we tried a Cuban restaurant recommended by one of the women in the Ethiopian group. This time we had eleven people (see pic)! Once again, everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves over another delicious meal. It seems food does indeed make a great common denominator.

I do recognize that it takes a certain mindset to want to try new things, and that if a person is open to trying new foods -- they are probably also open to meeting people of different backgrounds. I still am glad to have found a vehicle by which I can do this. I know that the people I have met in my life who are different from myself have also been the best people to teach me. Someone whose life is very similar to yours probably isn’t going to know much that you also don’t know.

I also had another thought as I watched these two tables of people intermingle. Over time, as the world becomes more integrated—there will be more interbreeding of the races. Eventually, as all the races meld—we will end up with essentially one hybrid race that is a genetic combination of all the races that were previously separate. There won’t be much need for racial tolerance, because we will all be one race. Eventually we may even move towards one world currency. Perhaps even just one world culture with nations taking on basically the same significance as individual states in one nation. I think I’m cool with that. I don’t really care if there are no definitive Americans, Mexicans or Ethiopians. As long as I can still get American, Mexican or Ethiopian cuisine.

Change and Me Against the World

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. Arnold Bennett


I don’t know who Arnold Bennett was, but the man speaks the truth! When I first changed careers I thought the biggest obstacle to overcome would be my parents. I was dreading telling them I had left my dental practice. I steeled myself in preparation for the concerned outcries I knew would be forthcoming. Little did I suspect they would be the least of my worries.

Mom & Dad handled the news rather well, and with that behind me, I figured it would be smooth sailing. I didn’t count on the fact that the rest of the world would be resistant to my career change. The initial part of 2009 has now schooled me to that fact.

My first lesson came when I decided to refinance my mortgage. A few years ago while I was still in practice, I had financed for 15 years in order to pay off my debt quickly. At the time the payment was not so much of a concern. With my new job and less income—I was ready to finance for 30 years and take advantage of the low interest rates, both of which would enable me to have a lower payment. Unfortunately it was not to be. The mortgage lenders were holding on to their money like Sally Field on a ski trip clinging to her last Boniva.

Apparently there is a steadfast rule that lenders will not loan money to someone who has only been in their career for less than 2 (two) years. I found this to be especially annoying because I had assets to cover the amount of the loan. I just wanted to be able to use the mortgage interest as a tax write-off. Unfortunately nobody would touch me—even with a great credit score and more than a year of income in my new job.

I understand that a complete change of careers is risky and that mortgage companies are trying to be more cautious after a slew of loan defaults. What I don’t get is this—a person is much more likely to default on a loan with a HIGHER payment. It seems like if you have a customer who has been reliable, has a good credit score, and wants to refinance—shouldn’t you work with this person? It feels like the bank wants me to default, and they want me to default ASAP. They can’t think in this depressed real estate market that they will be able to sell my condo once they take possession of it. I just don’t understand their logic.

The other insult came when I turned in my tax information. My accountant called me back and said he wasn’t sure I could use the expenses incurred to maintain my dental license (license fees, continuing education classes) since I hadn’t worked as a dentist in the past year. This was also completely annoying. I busted my butt to get those licenses, and if I am ever to return to dentistry I need to maintain them. Why can’t the government let me keep my safety net as I try something else?

I’m happy to report that we got the tax problems straightened out, but my accountant advised me to at least spend one day earning income related to dentistry every year so that we could justify the license expenditures in the future.

I guess one of my hopes in writing about this is to prevent anyone else from having these same problems. If you foresee a career change—go ahead and refinance your mortgage before you leave your current job. If you don’t, be prepared to wait two years. You may also need to decide if it’s worth it to you to maintain any credentials you have earned. It will be a challenge to justify the maintenance when you file your taxes.

All in all, however, I’m still glad I took myself on this little adventure. It was naïve of me to expect that it would be seamless, but I think if I’d spent too much time dwelling on the challenges I might not have had the courage to do it. Since I started with a quote, I’ll finish with another:

The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress. Charles Kettering

Suck it up, World. I’ve made the change.

The Magic iPod List

This is something that's going around on Facebook, but I thought everyone should have a chance to do it. It's hysterical~you just answer the questions using your own ipod/itunes/mp3 player, etc. Instructions & my answers are below:

1. put the ipod/itunes/mp3 player, etc on shuffle
2. use it to answer the question
3. hit “next”
4. try not to cheat (it's hard)
5. share your answers with your friends


1. How am I feeling today?
Saturday Night - Bay City Rollers (I swear I didn't do that on purpose!)

2. How far will I get in life?
Stupid Girls - Pink (should I be worried?)

3. What is my best friend’s theme song?
Horny - Mousse T (okay--that's eerily appropriate)

4. What was high school like?
Like This Like That - SeSa featuring Sharon Phillips

5. How will today be?
That's My Goal - Shayne Ward (awww...a Valentine's song!)

6. What is in store for me this weekend?
If This Ain't Love, Don't Know What Is - Nicole Willis and the Soul Investigators (some of these are scaring me with how appropriate the answers seem)

7. What is the best thing about me?
Sweet and Low - Debbie Harry

8. What song describes my parents?
Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo - Rick Derringer (okay, that one couldn't be MORE WRONG!)

9. How is my life going?
Brandy Alexander - Feist (hmmm...again, should I be worried?)

10. What song will they play at my funeral?
Through the Eyes of Love - Peggy Lee (by all means, play a sappy song by an aging diva in tragic decline!)

11. How does the world see me?
Quiche Lorraine - the B52's (I'm down with that!)

12. What do my friends think of me?
Yummy (Tyler Nelson Dark Club Mix)- Gwen Stefani

13. Do people secretly think I’m good looking?
Can't Help Lovin' That Man - Trudy Richards (I SWEAR that's what came up!)

14. How can I make myself happy?
Gia - Despina Vandi (hmmm...weird dance track with Middle Eastern flave)

15. What should I do with my life?
I Know There's Something Going On - Frida (I just don't know what my role is!)

16. What is some good advice?
When You're In Love With a Beautiful Woman - Dr. Hook (my iPod is messin' with me now--what kind of advice is that for a gay guy??)

17. Will I get married?
Silent Night - The Tim Fuller Experience (I'll take that as a 'no')

18. Where will I go in life?
Right Here (Human Nature Mix) - SWV (well, at least I don't have to pack)

19. Will I Have Kids?
Smooth Operator - Sade (oh stank....are there kids out there I don't know about??)

20. What is my current theme song?
How Could He Do This To Me - Lonnie Gordon (my iPod apparently wants me to get off the Cross in case somebody needs the wood)

Super Bawl Sunday

Well, I’m happy to report that one of the most stressful days of my year is now behind me. I know for a lot of people that day is April 15th (Tax Day), but for me it’s Super Bowl Sunday. I am genetically incapable of understanding football. It’s amazing that I can get a doctorate degree in dentistry, yet still not understand a game that middle school kids can play. I tried (half-heartedly, I’ll admit) for years before eventually giving up.

Until recently, I had a lesbian friend who hosted a Super Bowl Party and I always chose to attend her party rather than go to a straight friend's house. At least she & her friends didn’t expect me to know anything about football. Unfortunately she moved to Chicago and since then I’ve been trying to find another party. It’s not necessarily that I’m afraid I won’t understand what’s happening on the football field. I’m more afraid that a straight guy will start talking to me about what’s happening on the football field, and I will look stupid. I hate that.

I did a little prep before the party this year in hopes I could scrape by if someone would choose to engage me in conversation. I made a point of memorizing the names of the teams that were playing. I even decided which team I would say I was pulling for. Beyond that, it would be in God’s hands.

When I got to the party, I noticed with a mixture of joy & dismay that there were several cute guys in attendance. I knew none of them were gay (I’d already asked the hostess) so I made a beeline for the nearest female and struck up a conversation. Things were going great until I heard a deep baritone voice ask, “Who made these ham biscuits?”

Flustered, I turned around to see one of the hottest guys at the party holding one of the biscuits I had made (great recipe, btw—ham, swiss, mustard, Worcestershire Sauce & poppy seeds). Sheepishly I admitted to being the chef.

Next thing I know he was coming over and complimenting my cooking. He was friendly, seemed to be in decent shape but not overly obsessive about it, great smile, tall, and really handsome. He could have been one of my fraternity brothers from undergrad. If I could only find one of these in lavender I would SO be pushing to legalize gay marriage!

Just as I was starting to relax, he asked me who I was pulling for. I gave him my pre-selected answer and prayed he wouldn’t ask me anything else. He started talking about the current football season and I just nodded and agreed with him whenever he seemed to need approbation. Finally, I could tell he was winding things up and getting ready to make his exit to go talk to someone else. I was feeling pretty good about this. The key is to keep them talking and just nod and smile. If necessary, throw in a general question about the game, like “So you got any money riding on this?” I can totally pull this off.

“Well, dude, he said, “it’s been cool chattin’ with you. These biscuits kick ass.” With that I saw him extending his arm.

Expecting a handshake, I stuck out my hand. Unfortunately, he was going for the knuckle-to-knuckle punch so I ended up palming his knuckle with my open hand. He looked at me for a second, and then awkwardly just wandered away.

Damn. It sucks to fumble when you're so close to the finish line.

The Young & Restless Meet the Old & Curious

One of the best things about being single is that it leaves you completely unencumbered socially. Without having to worry about whether or not (insert name of significant other) will like your new friends, or vice versa, you are free to mingle with whichever crowd you please.

Lately I’ve found myself adopted by a group of 20-somethings. It has been so much fun hanging out with these young men and women and, to some extent, recapturing the life I missed out on when I was their age. I always felt like I never got to experience the care-free life of a 20-something who is just out of college, because I went on to Dental School. I spent the next four years after college studying in the Dental School Library or in the Dental Lab making crowns or dentures for my patients. By the time I had graduated, most of my friends had moved on from the bar scene and were settling down. I realize that by staying focused and continuing to work during that time, I was able to secure a valuable education and future for myself—but I’ve always been more than a little envious of those who were able to play while I had to study.

I’ve learned a few things from hanging out with my new friends. First of all, do NOT take close-up pictures with them. The first time I saw a picture of myself with two of my friends, I was shocked. I looked like Dina Lohan with her daughters Lindsay and Ali. As great as you may look, when you’re standing beside a 20-something, you will suffer by comparison. Make sure the photographer is at least 6 feet away from you.

The other thing that shocked me is how much sex they are all having. I remember back in college, there was sex. Girls would sleep their way through a fraternity house, or certain guys would always come back to the dorm on a Sunday morning with stories of a virgin they had conquered—but nothing like this. Open relationships, three-ways, and orgies are all par for the course! Even the lines of sexual orientation seem blurry these days.

I’m certain that a cultural anthropologist would point to advances in AIDS treatments, decreasing social stigmas around sexuality, and increased drug use as causes. Personally, I just think it’s a factor of being young, cute & horny. These people are all over each other. Thus far, I haven’t been invited to participate, but I’m wondering how I will handle it if I am. I’ve done my share of experimenting, but always in controlled environments. The two times I personally tried an orgy have been when I was out-of-town and the participants were essentially strangers I knew I would never see again. I can’t imagine how it would work with people I see on a daily basis. How to you go back to discussing the new Britney Spears cd after teabagging with someone? I also don’t want to be the creepy 40-year old predator hanging around waiting to pounce on a drunk and vulnerable younger victim. I can’t help thinking that one of the reasons these young folks let me hang out with them is because I don’t give off that sexual predator vibe.


The flip-side of all this is that I am not some hunch-back just down from the bell tower. I’m no supermodel, but I’m not exactly chopped liver either. I am a little indignant that I haven’t been invited to participate in some capacity. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t know what I will do if one of my new 20-something friends invites me into his bedroom. But I still think it would be nice to be asked.

Date & Dash

Well, I dipped my pinky toe back into the dating pool, and the piranhas bit it off. Somehow I managed to have yet another catastrophically bad date, despite deliberate planning and intentional choices.

I met the guy on Manhunt, which admittedly is not the best website for dating, but I felt like my screening process was adequate. We traded several emails, and I liked the way he presented himself in writing. We met for coffee and that went well too. He was attractive, close to my age, and seemed to have career goals and responsibilities. So, when the subject came up of having a proper date, I was amenable.

Usually for a first date I like to choose a place that is very public. My reasoning is that I’m less likely to be murdered by a serial killer if I’m in a crowded place. I have learned from my time on this earth that I am NOT a great judge of character, so better to take steps on the front end to protect myself rather than leave it to chance. Unfortunately, it still backfired on me.

The place I chose for our first date was the performance theatre where I have just become a Board member. I figured it would provide the public setting to ensure I don’t get chainsaw-ed to death, and show my support for my new colleagues at the theatre.

He did show up for the rendezvous, and I introduced him to my friends at the theatre. My date seemed a little tense, but I figured it was just first-date jitters. Soon it was time to sit down for the performance.

I immediately knew something was up when I heard him breathing heavily beside me. My first thought was that maybe he had food poisoning, but he seemed way too fidgety for intestinal distress. His hands were clutching the armrests of his chair, not his stomach or (thank goodness) his crotch. Suddenly he stood straight up and hastily said to me, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this! I have to get out of here!!!” With that he bolted to the nearest exit.

Nothing makes a man feel hotter than seeing his date literally crawling over the other patrons in their seats to get away from him.

I chased him and managed to stop him briefly at the doors that entered into the lobby of the theatre. He hastily explained that it wasn’t me, but the play that had freaked him out. With that, he was gone.

Admittedly, the play was a challenging one. It was “The Rabbit Hole”, which had garnered Cynthia Nixon a Tony Award on Broadway for portraying a mother who has lost her son to an auto accident. All kinds of terrible thoughts were going through my head—had he lost a child? A car? A Tony Award? What could it be???

I was worried about my date, so after the show I resolved to call him. On a hunch, though, I decided to check Manhunt first. There he was, back online trying to salvage what was left of his Saturday night by finding another guy. So much for him being upset.

Since that night, he has called once and sent me an email. I decided not to return the call. I did write him back, and told him I felt like he had some more pressing matters to deal with other than starting a romantic relationship. I also apologized for taking him to a play that obviously upset him. Unfortunately, I can’t be the one to fix him.

If I were in my twenties, I would probably see this as my chance to ride in on my white horse and nurse him back to psychological health. Now that I’m in my forties, I know that it never works. Either you don’t fix them and you end up with a co-dependent cripple, or you do fix them and they dump you for someone younger and hotter who didn’t know them when they were damaged.

That’s the last I’ve heard from this gentleman. He has since taken his profile off Manhunt, so I don’t guess I’ll ever see him again. I do sincerely hope this guy gets the help that he needs. I also hope he doesn’t come looking for me with a chainsaw.

P.S. I'm not completely insensitive. If I really thought this guy had lost a child, I'd have never made light of this evening. The fact that he ditched me and went straight home to get back online makes me believe he had other reasons for leaving the theatre that night. Just wanted to be clear on that.

Turns for the Worse

Desperate people can be driven to do desperate things. Every now & again I’m reminded of how true this can be.

Charlotte roads are known for being two things: confusing and constantly under construction. The same road may change names several times in the course of a few miles, and most likely will either be closed or littered with orange & white construction barrels blocking the lanes. I’ve lived in Charlotte for close to a decade, so I think I’ve got the names down - but the construction still gives me trouble.

The other day I was late for a meeting, and as I approached the building I was dismayed to see the road was closed due to construction. I followed the detour signs and found myself positioned down from where I needed to be on a one-way street. The only way I saw to get to the building was to take an illegal left turn and dash into the parking lot before oncoming traffic approached. Convinced there had to be another option, I searched again. Unfortunately I ended up in the same situation: confronted with taking an illegal left turn. I felt like I had exhausted every avenue, so finally in desperation I just took it.

I feel the same way about finding music online. I understood when record companies shut down Napster as a free music downloading site*—but still was angry. It makes sense to me that the industry does not want people stealing music that is available in the stores to purchase. It is not fair to the artist, the label, or the vendors. Unfortunately, I was using Napster to obtain music that was out of print. Much of what I was getting was from obscure 1980’s acts (Vanity, Apollonia 6, Donna Allen) that have been out of print for years. This is music I remember from my teenage years that holds very fond memories for me. If the record companies would make it available to buy, I would buy it. But it’s not available.

The other day I was looking for another of these obscure songs: “When Love Surges” by Jules Shear. No reason why you would know it. I searched Amazon, iTunes and even eBay for a digital version of this song- nowhere to be found. Completely frustrated, I Googled it. It showed up on one of those Napster offspring websites. There it was, dangling right in front of me like the apple that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden. I had tried to buy it legally, but it wasn’t available. All it would take was a push of the “Download Now” button. Convinced there had to be another option, I searched again. Unfortunately I ended up in the same situation: confronted with taking an illegal download. I felt like I had exhausted every avenue, so finally in desperation I just took it.


*Blender magazine, in their April 2008 issue talked about the history of music downloading. Before the 1980’s, consumers had the option of buying a hit single, or if they preferred, an entire album. Once cd’s came out in the 1980’s, the music industry got greedy. They figured if they discontinued singles, consumers would be forced to buy the albums (which cost more). It worked for a while, until technology in the 1990’s enabled consumers to share music as digital files. Consumers had found a way to circumvent a system built around greed and get the singles they wanted.

Rather than learn from their mistakes and try to reach a compromise that would work for everyone, the music industry shut down Napster and began suing people caught illegally downloading songs (including a single mother of two, with a yearly income of $36,000, for $222,000). It was a publicity nightmare, and by shutting down the ONE site where everyone was going (rather than try to work something out that would benefit everyone) they encouraged users to scatter and create innumerable copy-cat sites. Today there are scads of these sites available, and no conceivable way to stop or control them. When one is shut down, another surfaces to take its place. Napster was restructured as a pay-per-download site, but it was too late. Most Napster users had moved on to these other websites.